The emotional toll of farming

When I first started looking into starting my farm, I was able to find quite a few resources on planting stock, timing, appropriate climates, livestock, feed, and the plethora of other items that came up over the course of my research. What didn’t come up was how to prepare mentally for the task of running a farm or how hard it would be emotionally. Perhaps some of my struggles stem from the fact that I am an autistic, ADHD woman, who struggles with perfectionism, starting too many tasks at once, taking failure too personally, and struggles with executive function. While some of these traits maybe unique, or amplified, in AuDHD individuals, I believe they are common to a lot of people, especially women. Three areas in which I particularly struggle are financial stress, task management and animal management.

I think everyone knows that farming is hard, particular on a budget. There is always a need for more money, to improve animal spaces/housing, improve fencing, fix equipment, etc. Granted, I am at the beginning of my farming journey, and I created a farm from scratch, so my needs are very different from those of someone with a well-established farm. However, I think that trying to figure out how the farm can make more money, trying to get loans for operating expenses, and trying to figure out how to cover major, unexpected expenses are issues every farmer encounters. While the mental gymnastics needed to brainstorm and try to come up with solutions is not physical work, it is just as exhausting. While I wish I could say I had this one figured out, it is still a work in progress. My best advice is to work through the problems/ideas as systematically as possible and give yourself grace to rest and take breaks. It’s harder work than it seems like from the outside!

I am a certified Project Manager with over 15 years of project management experience and even I struggle with task management on the farm. I make list after list after list. The number of tasks to be done are overwhelming and often grow exponentially. I have learned that celebrating the small victories is critical. I break down each task into steps and celebrate the completion of each step…this helps me to want to continue working on the task. Every week or two I make a master list of all the tasks in each area, so I don’t lose track of any of the lower priority tasks (I am very out of sight, out of mind). Also, I try to be realistic when choosing tasks for work days. I would rather plan on doing 1 or 2 things and get those done, than plan on doing 5 things and feel like I failed. To be honest, task management can feel like an avalanche that is about to bury you. This makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. When this task paralysis happens, I try to get just one thing done. After that, I’ll just get one more thing done, and I do this until I’m able to move past the overwhelm and get back to a fully functioning state.

My farm animals are the banes of my existence and the loves of my life. I currently have 3 goats, 2 livestock guardian dogs, a flock of chickens and a flock of guinea fowl. So much money, so much work, so many tears, so much sweat, so much blood (the scars are real!), so many laughs, so many cuddles, and so much love. When it goes right, it feels so good. When you’ve done everything you can do and it still goes wrong, the pain is acute. I have not yet found a technique to lessen this pain, if there even is one. You love as hard as you can and you try as hard as you can and when you lose, you feel that loss and grieve and move on because everyone else is counting on you.  

Farming, owning natural land, homesteading is hard. Building animal shelters and hauling 50lb feed bags is hard. Keeping goats out of chicken food is damn near impossible. However, it is the weight on my heart and mind that are the hardest to bear. Just like we make it a priority to take care of our animals every day, we must also make it a priority to take care of ourselves. We must take the time for the things that replenish our souls, so that we have the energy and fortitude to keep giving to the animals and land in a way that they deserve. Stewards of the land pay a high cost, one that I will gladly pay, for the future holds the rewards that will continue well into the morrow.